| Change Change Change, All Change |
[31 Aug 2007|11:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Meh |
] |
Kerry isn't coming back to Lancaster
Sim is thinking of also dropping out or starting again..
Marhh!?
Whats it going to be like on South Rd now?
I'm so confused.
|
|
| Frantic Assembly |
[25 Aug 2007|02:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Home Inverness (part 1) |
] |
If you know me you at least know of them, i'm slightly obsessed. If you are reading this and I haven't forced you to watch at least "Pool (no water)" please please check them out. Fucking. Skills.
Anyway there is a new 10 minute performance video, can I put it here?
Enjoy.
|
|
| He fixed you up real good, til I don't know you anymore. |
[25 Aug 2007|01:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tori - Amber Waves |
] |
It was September 1999 or 1998 when I started to do well in School. For some reason I'm struggling to remember which, I was 13..I think. Either way, there was the three months of September, October and November where for some unexaplainable reason (unexplainable to my parents or teachers) that I suddenly started getting full marks on pretty much everything. Even Maths and Science (if you know me, this is some feat) I had barely managed to scrape between 30-40% in those yearly tests and whatnot. There was a parents evening at some point during the three months and I remember all the teachers complimenting me on what seemed like an academic breakthrough. My parents were pretty much elated, knowing that in the past I'd just never really tried when confronted with something I found challenging or had convinced myself I simply couldn't do. The two things which spring to mind are maths and playing the recorder. I'm not stupid, or at least I think i've proven that I am capable of most things when I set my mind to them. Maths was just something I had deicded from a very young age I would never be good at and therefore switched off, half learned things and never took it all in. Same with the recorder. I decided that I couldn't read music (I proved that wrong a couple years later with the guitar, but hell I was sure I couldn't at the time). I think I managed half a year or so of miming playing the recorder along with everyone else, which was fine until the teacher started requesting solo sections to be played by random members of the class. Oh the shame and the humiliation, I digress.
**break, I can hear the crowd at the Reebock stadium chanting something, I haven't missed that element of being home**
So. This is the way that I dealt with certain things I found difficult, I convinved myself I simply did not posess the skill for that particular area or whatever. I blame the extremely sporty and competetive nature of my childhood. - Note, I am neither sporty nor competetive, I loathe competition and my parents Mum pushed me into it with tennis and badminton and swimming and dancing and fucking everything. *shudder* My brother loved that sort of thing. I remember us all playing out at the top of the street doing mini-races and freethemall and who can throw the rock the furthest and all that type of shit and I hated anything that was even slightly a competition. I was terrified of failing and of being worse than everyone else, so I just didn't try.
Well this has all got slightly depressing.
I am aware that I am once again blaming past events for how I grew up, but stick with me, I think it makes sense.
The point I just reached up there has nothing to do with the point I had when I started this entry, funny that.
Gah, now i'm distracted by good news. Nothing spoils a good splurge like a friendly invitation out for drinks.
More later..
|
|
| From a distance |
[14 Aug 2007|09:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Soilwork |
] |
I can't count how many times i've heard "the only constant in life is change."
Well, yes.
However, there are times when everything moves around more rapidly than normal, times when you feel like the rug is actually being pulled from under you and you don't get the chance to cling onto anything before.. I don't know. A fall? I guess? I suppose i'm once again lamenting home life. Today has been a strange day, talking to people from way back, which felt good and reassuring but at the same time quite unsettling. Everything is just moving and shifting really oddly lately, i'm kinda getting used to feeling detatched and rootless. Everything just seems so unexpected. I feel like the last few years i've been sort of blind to what people think and the way people work and now i'm tracing patterns and connecting possible thoughts and actions. It all ties into everyone being fairly predictable in the worst of ways. I wonder if you are a person who is fairly malliable, which I think I am, how affected are you by what others think of you? Do you pander to their expectations? I don't know, I get confused when I think about this. Do I act the way I do to go against or confirm what people think? Maybe neither. i'm sure it's one because sometimes I feel I am acting for the majority of the time.
Reminds me of that Banks line Dan likes so much but that I can't accurately quote. Something like "People rarely act Prentice, they react." It's possible that this is true and Dan seems to think so. When I think about it I could justify most of my actions as reactions to other things, but doesn't that seem like a bit of a cop out? (No offence Prentice ;)) I like to blame my attatchment/dependancy problems on my Dad and taking Banks into consideration my constant need for companionship and a male figure in my life was just a reaction to not having my Dad around. I often think how different i'd be if he hadn't have left (not that I resent it..much - he fell in love, blah blah, i'd probably do the same) Would I have still jumped from one long-term relationship to the next?
I don't know. I never started any of the relationships i've had with the intention of them being long-term, but maybe it affected my decision making process during them. Without naming names, perhaps I overlooked huge flaws and problems for the sake of having someone in my life, someone close.
That's fairly negative isn't it?
With the exception of one I don't regret the boys that make up my past. I just worry, I don't trust my judgement and I don't understand how and why I end up where I do.
But who does, eh?
|
|
| They were right about you |
[29 Jul 2007|10:42pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
APC - The Outsider |
] |
I've been thinking about us recently. Us humans.
This has probably come from the time overload i've had, having not bothered incredibly hard to look for work yet this summer. I will do, yes. Yes I will. Having this time, this endless strucureless mass of nothing, has led to some annoyingly deep over-analysing and self-reflection. We all know this is bad. You are left alone with your head for too long and end up tearing everything apart searching for some kind of point to it all. I've been living (as usual) by the day, the hour even. This has perhaps been my way for the past few months, maybe longer. As such, now I have come to pause, to stop almost completely and be away from what has come to be life - Lancaster, I suppose. More than that. I'ts been a bit since i've tried to write to anyone but myself. I'm still writing to myself here I guess.
Anyway, where the fuck was that going?
Humans. Yeah. Let's start with Bolton. It's par for the course that everytime I go back there I feel like a part of my soul gets torn out of me. It's been much better this summer but then again I haven't ventured into town more than a couple times and not had a 'night out' yet. I walked through yesterday after lunch, I was already feeling a mix of things, mostly uncertainty, but when you chose not to make plans and float around all the time you're going to find that uncertainty is just always a part of you. I walked past an ambulance, didn't see what was going on infront of it but a harrassed looking paramedic was putting on some of those disturbing latex gloves and looking very pale. I had walked past this man earlier, shabby clothes, grey hair, i'm assuming homeless. When I saw him first he was scrabbling for a bottle of whiskey between two benches. I remember thinking how very Bolton. That whole section where he was sat - outside Varsity and the Man and Sythe, has recently had a bit of a makeover, it's become mostly pedestrianised and looks bright and new, an odd mixure of sandy looking stone and chrome bins and benches. Maybe it's an annoying hangover from being an art student but the difference in appearances and textures and stuff struck me more than the sadness of it, of him. I felt bad for him, but I felt worse about Bolton and how it just constantly contradicts itself. I admit now, rather guiltily that my first thoughts weren't compassionate ones. I thought "How can you let yourself get in that state?" This was only fleeting until I remembered how wanky and unfair and generally shit life is. Anyway although I have just talked alot about that I really didn't think loads about it at the time. Was away for 2 or a bit more hours, walked past again and he was dead.
And the people sat outside the brass cat were smoking and drinking and laughing.
Some other stuff happened on my walk through to the train station, I can't remember exactly. Some guy shouted some stuff at me, some goth-girl got abuse a bit further down the road.
I give up.
|
|
| Dream Dialogue (The mind is an interesting place) |
[15 Jul 2007|10:28pm] |
I found this in the back of an old art journal. I don't remember writing this or the dream it came from.
Tom, is it just me?
Have a jumper, i've lost mine.
We have to get moving or the door will close
Why me?
7 Year old drunk
Just wiggle like a fish!
Michelle, will shew you hear!
I dont like this place
Why are we running away?
'It's not damage to property, oh you're just a pirate!
Diary on a wall
Orange papaer
Pickled green things
Her French wasn't excellent, but she seemed socially polite - it was obvious she was drunk
35 don £3563
Cain, you're here! What day is it?
Why are they taking the furniture?
Battery serial
Thanks for coming it means alot to me
You look nice.
Mum.. what can I do?
You'll have to stick to with your plan
We cant.
I'm so lost help me!
|
|
| Fishnet Man |
[15 Jul 2007|07:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Braindead |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Americas got talent! (talent = a fishnet man with a box, apparently) |
] |
First time i've ever been carried to bed was last night, a landmark in my history of substance abuse!
There was a reason I stopped drinking vodka, last night reminded me - or more this morning reminded me. So another utterly pointless day, the only difference to last few days is the unwelcome addition of a hangover and more time spent wasted alone. few pluses to living this wanky sheltered life is that i'm not spending any money and i'm catching up on all the miserable soul-destroying television programmes i'd missed out on, not having TV access for.. a long time. Tv is getting worse, yet there is still an allure to just sitting there staring and not thinking. Just worried that if this carries on my mouth will start gaping and I will gob on myself.
I managed to eat a whole tin of tuna *sigh*
|
|
| I'm still here |
[08 Jul 2007|06:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Meh |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mars Volta |
] |
Although I haven't had words for some time. I'm back to Bolton tomorrow.
I have an update scheduled for when words return.
|
|
| Revision is tough, but you do find some pretty interesting things.. |
[18 May 2007|07:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Imitating the dog - Hotel Methuselah |
] |
I would like to thank Andy Warhol for the Wigs, sunglasses and general look.
Ikea for the tables, the glasses,
I’d like to thank European farming subsidies for this magnificent red wine.
Levi Straus and American cotton mills for the jeans, a factory in China for their production, a shipping magnet from Greece for bringing them to me.
A sweatshops somewhere in the middle of nowhere for my shirt/blouse.
Perrier for the water, Douwe Eghberts for the coffee, Tate and Lyle for the Sugar.
A Columbian mine in what was a forest for my ring.
Bic for the pen that I wrote this with,
Apple and Microsoft for checking the spelling,
A small factory in Italy for my shoes, an even smaller factory in India for the laces.
Gillette for my legs, Colgate for a whiter smile, Nurofen for taking away my headache,
A paper mill in Scandinavia for the paper that this is printed on, Epsom for the printer,
Calvin Klein for my underwear, Samsonite for my luggage.
Phillips for the Light bulbs, Sony for the Tapes, Cannon for the Camera Lieka for the lens, Eastman for the film,
Id like to thank each and every one of you for making me the person who I am
|
|
| Why do I always end up inside on sunny days? |
[31 Mar 2007|05:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Deej Shadow |
] |
It's not as if I decide to do this, it just ends up this way. I'm happy enough fucking around online for an impossibly long time, fiddling and searching and (possibly) learning something. Even though I could be reading the wonderful book I found in Kaze's room, ('Watching the English, the hidden rules of English behaviour' - Kate Fox) I keep getting restless and need the immediate gratification of the internet.
Despite the large amount of utter wank there is online i've always enjoyed the music hutning and nerding around on sites of subjects I am vaguely interested in. Also started reading some more of Sandra K Fuhr's stuff again, seeing as it's been a while since i've gotten into a 'serious' webcomic as opposed to the nerdhumour of ctrlaltdel and the like.
http://www.5ideways.com/2005/20051013-1.php
Really amazing artwork, freaky story, interesting animated sections, I can't really do it justice.. Have a look.
Bah, other things I guess?
Off to Italy on Tuesday which will shake things up a bit. As much as I love Lancaster getting away somewhere random and new is always fun.
Nobody seems to update anymore. Neither do I, I suppose. If I can try, so can all of you *nods*
/x
|
|
| Pluck up the courage and snap it's gone again. |
[20 Mar 2007|07:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Mooky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mp3 random |
] |
Been confined to my room all day trying, and for the most part suceeding, to write a postmodern review of the Nuffield's repertoire.
On a break now, my mp3 player was interrupting my thought process with memories so I was just floating around in the past a bit. It's pretty odd thinking back, how we all ended up where we are now. Despite that I have lots of free time to look forward too and naught but an analytical report to attack over Easter. Just the remaining 1000 words of the essay and then.. blank. I'm fantasisng about a noisy messy pub and lots of pints and mooking. Nothing that can be had for at least a few days considering how skint I am. Perfect evening plan for some point this week is a long session in Trev followed by a huge smoke. Maybe if the weather holds up a walk up to the temple with a sketch pad and some moody music. As much as i've been longing for summer to bring lighter days and warmer nights, it seems I want the cold and dark today. Lancaster winter, or something.
It's possible because of the varied and large amount of work i've had on recently that i've not had time to mook. I shouldn't even be doing that now, as small amount as 1000 words is, i'm struggling to remember the performances i'm supposed to be analysing. 10 minutes to work-time again, I think i'll prepare a brew and put another Death Cab tune on.
Join me...JOIN ME.
|
|
| You Are Here (Basically yeah, he was mixing the wrong type of firewood) |
[19 Mar 2007|11:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Muse - Muscle Museum |
] |
^^
How pretentious is the name for our piece? Hah.. Anyway, just a short note to say omfg what a week this has been. Managed to spaz out completely last night when trying to write the essay and (w00p w00p) got another extension - I love Ola.
We are performing today, so I must rush and grab things and be alert. Last proper day of the term.
More soon, I imagine.
/x
|
|
| I am old |
[14 Mar 2007|12:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
21 |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Placebo |
] |
21, messy already!
w00p w00p.
|
|
| Fake Plastic Me |
[05 Mar 2007|11:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees |
] |
I had a couple minutes while waiting for the boys to come back, so thought I would update with a pointless entry.
Here it is.
I have very little money, lots of work and very little time.
Also I don't think I can actually celebrate my 21st in any proper sort of way around the time, so a few nights out and a Labour club rave will do. Yes a Labour rave. Tell me you're not excited?
/endendend
|
|
| When the going get's messy... |
[03 Mar 2007|07:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tori - Jackie's strength |
] |
The messy get messier. Or m35sier. Either way.
It can be so exhausting trying to fit rules or structure to your own life. I've found you just have to get over it. I've been re-learning this recently. Not everything can be labelled exactly, especially not emotions. I am going to let things unfold naturally and trust my instincts. It's something to fall back on.
Sort of figured it's no good waiting for things to get better, I have to make them so.
Bah..
/x
|
|
| I need sanctuary in the pages of this book. |
[25 Feb 2007|01:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Wamp random - (Mars Volta) |
] |
My flatmates surpassed themselves in excess last night, whilst I slept they drank throughout the night only to leave the house in search of "adventure" at 6am. This adventure led them to Lounge (the only late night/early morning bar) Where Kez persuaded the bouncer they weren't "that drunk" with her femenine whiles. Apparently there was lots of long island ice tea, dancing and potential fights. To make things all the better I was woken up at 8.30am by music and talking in the living room, popped my head round and they had captured 2 randoms, one who was insisting I shake his hand and join them and the other was making bacon butties.
*Mass confusion*
Got a bacon buttie at 9am though, now for work.
|
|
| Maybe a bit cheesy, but it's worth an entry |
[20 Feb 2007|08:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Seize the Day - Newstates |
] |
It could've been Manhattan on the day the market fell,
it could've been a candy store in Kandahare as well;
and she might have been a Muslim, but it's kind of hard to tell
when your body's ground to zero
and your skin's been fried to hell.
So tell me it's a war to end all war, or don't tell me nothing;
'cos if this sacrifice is not for peace, it was not worth making.
Seems to me you did your best
to put your hand in the hornet's nest that bit you,
just when it hit you,
there's other people hurt as much as you,
and grief is no excuse for what you do.
High flyers at the corporation's daisy cutting edge,
they hold each other's hands
and plummet from the window edge.
And the monitors have melted
on the coffee deal which meant
5 thousand farmers wondering
where their livelihood just went.
America my family,
the whole world feels your pain,
and before this war is over
you'll make sure we do again.
Even as the tower tumbled
on that fire-fighting team
we wondered who you'd barbecue
for puncturing your dream.
I am not an Islamicist,
religion's not my thing,
But they're friendlier than Christians
and I like the way they sing.
And I want my sisters free
to burn the burka if they choose,
not lie awake and calculate
what weight they need to lose.
You're beautiful, big-hearted, in many ways you're free.
You're smart enough to get the world how you want it to be.
So it's hard for me to tell you what you shouldn't have to hear;
your nation is that terrorist most human beings fear:
Nicaragua, El Salvador, Columbia and 'Nam,
Cambodia, Grenada, Chile and Afghanistan.
Palestinian and Iraqi, and some more you never knew;
United States of People who deserved as much as you.
So tell me that you don't support this war
or don't tell me nothing,
'cos if this song of mine don't change your heart
it was not worth singing.
But I believe you did your best, chasing life and happiness,
never wondered, never guessed
how the news had been suppressed
of a never-ending killing fest;
ripped the kid from the mother's breast,
shrapnel through her daddy's chest
while we're all singing glory hallelujah!
I'm talking to you: somebody made a killing in your name
so take your power back, or take the blame.
|
|
| You're no longer laughing, I'm not drowning fast enough |
[15 Feb 2007|06:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Boring |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
As user friendly as herpes.. |
] |
Been falling back into bad destructive patterns of behaviour spliced with bursts of hard work. That sounds a little odd.
I keep thinking I have a grasp on a theoretical concept or composition if its devising, then I listen to what other people have learnt and feel like I may be taking things the wrong way. I'm worried for my devised piece, that when we get rehearsing we will ignore all of the lessons we have had and just fall back on warm fuzzy familiar conventions. It's so easy with anything creative to play along with what you are comfortable with. We are trying to decode what we do onstage whilst doing it. It just annoys me the way all of our brains work.. You can tell when a piece works and is good and equally when it is bad and doesn't work. What we don't know (and need to know) is why. I've always been told I have a good grasp of composition in my artwork and I *think* I showed that I can translate that into directing. Still the same problem - I don't know why something works or looks right - it just does. I'm really gonna have to actually learn something.
I'm joking with that, I know I have to learn things otherwise I wouldn't be here.
It's not just the work but everything recently has been of the uncertain variety. I find myself feeling either extremely bored or extremely busy, is there no intermediate stage? Like everyone else ever I have quite a bit to do right now and it's not worrying me as much as it probably should. I have decided to start my radical theatre essay tomorrow morning and that is good enough for now.
More about those destructive patterns some other time.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
m35s's journal